It’s a particular type of pain that comes from an inability to create. Some people don’t even believe that creator’s block exists. I do. And I’m beginning to wonder whether creative block isn’t really a creative problem at all - but a disconnection from ourselves. Because when I’m blocked, I’m not avoiding the work. I’m avoiding myself.
I first realised it through a therapeutic tarot reading with a shamanic wonder-woman that (alongside having a lot of fire inside) I have been avoiding myself. Then I retold the story of being told I was avoiding myself to a group of stand-up comedy writers, only to be told and realise again that the whole anecdote was about her and not me. Ha. I’d removed myself again from the picture I was seeing.
I met a director the other day who said that I give off “witchy” energy. I like to think that he means that I’m tapping into something otherworldly and curiously powerful than the mortal rigmarole of everyday life. I took it as a compliment. Because there is a mystical power at play. I like to imagine myself dancing with magic, something that shows up when we show up for ourselves, summoned by the wands of our pen, paintbrush and presence. Creating is an ancient practice and we as vessels can harness and channel this ancient force, mummifying our inner worlds through expression.
When I’m acting, I’ve trained to be able to put my attention wholeheartedly on my partner and realised that I had accidentally removed myself from the picture.
When I’m writing, I’m constantly thinking about what I think would be helpful for others to read about and write from that place.
When I’m mentoring, well it’s where my acting training has come in so handy because it’s active listening put into practice and combined with my lived creative experience - all with the focus on whomever I’m mentoring.
It’s also easier for me to remove myself from the picture because that way I don’t have to deal with the infinity mirror judgment that comes with it. I can’t be embarrassed or ashamed because if they can’t see me, they can’t touch me.
But doing that also burned me out.
I went to France and allowed myself to relax (whilst contemplating my bigger life goals and where my interests lie) and I’ve been sort of unravelling ever since. Whilst the judgemental voice in my head says to put myself together and patch over my insecurities - I think that an artist is always true to themselves, and sees the beauty in our fragility and emotions.
My creative state today is messy and unresolved, as may be this post. I have been all over the place mentally because I had pushed myself too hard, for too long and my elastic band snapped.
Accepting this fate - and not trying to change it has been an experiment of sorts. When I’ve felt melancholy in the past, I’d race my way back up to the top of the water - avoiding the place where I was being taken to. Not this time though.
This time I said to myself enough is enough. I’m not going to fight it, I’m going to embrace it. I’m going to allow myself to surrender, to unclench and enter the depths of the forest with the light far out in the distance and see what happens.
And it’s led to something really interesting. When I allowed myself to un-do and sink to the bottom of the ocean, I discovered there are jewels to be found, realisations to be tucked into your clothing that you’ll keep for another day.
Robert Henri shares, “the object isn’t to make art, it’s to be that wondrous state which makes art inevitable”.
And I believe that the wondrous state of mind is wherever you find enjoyment, curiosity, wonder and mystery - and for me it’s like a romance with self-acceptance. Jason Silva in our conversation describes it as his relationship with “soul-stirring awe” (and I would add that it’s a relationship with our soul-stirring-awe self).
Oh I’m realising as I’m writing this that I am beginning a new relationship with myself and we’re following the fun. That rings true with what Julia Cameron describes as the purpose behind Artist Dates. When you connect with yourself and express from that perspective, it provides beautiful insights into who you/we really are.
My recent enjoyment came from imagining a world that I long for, an enchanting world that my innocent young heart who adored the film FairyTale: A True Story believed in - I get to return to that world with every painting.
If you would like to commission a piece (on a pay-what-you-feel basis) and receive a glimpse of your own inside this forest through the post - please email me louisekimsalter@gmail.com with the subject heading: INTO THE FOREST and I will step inside the magical woodlands and create a piece for you.
And if you’d like to support me and my ongoing dream, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription or sharing my work with friends. It motivates me greatly to imagine a world where I can continue exploring my creative dreams and sharing insights from the creative process.
Creating isn’t about productivity and that’s where I was going wrong. Creating is about exploring yourself and what you enjoy in the moment. What’s tugging you closer? What’s nudging you away?
I love being enraptured by my process. By being so present with the enjoyment of doing I forget to judge myself.
I know what I’m about to say might sounds defensive, and I really am open to admitting that I have been avoiding myself, but sharing with others really does bring me energy. It makes me feel as though I have a reason to be here and it motivates me to create (which leads me closer to myself).
I don’t have all the answers but I am testing out various methods (with some success) and will continue to report back to base here when there’s something that could in some ways be useful to you. This inner expedition is like mapping out my creative system through words and images. As I’m discovering my style, I’m discovering myself.
For example, whilst navigating choppy shores, I discovered this quote which extended its hand to me and pulled me in to its respite:
“THE ART WASHES AWAY FROM THE SOUL,
THE DUST OF EVERYDAY LIFE”
- Picasso
If there’s an innate characteristic in me which I can’t change, then maybe I should go full throttle towards it and give the people what they need: for me to be myself, who just so happens to be enchanted by the creative process.
For regular inspiration and insights from my practice, join our Instagram group Abracadabra for Artists✨
Beautiful writing Louise ❤️
👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 superb ♥️